WHISKER'S PAGE OF WIT & WISDOM
Whiskers died on August 18, 1999,
having bravely battled a chronic illness.
He wishes to thank everyone who helped him with his problem.
This page shall remain as a tribute
to his memory.
He brought a lot of fun and laughter to all of us.
He may be gone but he will never be forgotten.
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Send a Kritter Card!
10 Signs Your Cat has Learned Your Internet Password
E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com
Your mouse has teeth marks it...and a strange aroma of tuna.
Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."
Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
You keep finding new software around your house like Catin Tax and WarCatII.
On IRC you're known as the "IronMouser".
Little Kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Clues That The Dog's In Charge
Okay, so a few staff members admit to a few of these too!
You bought a bigger bed so that the dog could have more leg room.
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Golden
Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one? Sure, and I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ>
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
How to Give a Cat a Pill
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with heavy garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak fillet. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop and way home to order new dining table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
How to tell if your cat has a problem:
(Ask yourself the following questions)
1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?
2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-off-hair (and favorite) bedspread?
3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?
5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament which might be misconstrued as his competition?
6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?
IF you answered "yes" to most of these questions . . .
Relax----Your cat is normal!!!
Why My Dog Won't Use a Computer
1. Can't stick his head out of Windows '95
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
3. Too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
4. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "You've got mail."
5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.
7. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
9. "Sit" and "Stay" were hard enough; "Delete" and
"Save" are out of the question!
10. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOoTgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
("Too hard to type with paws!")
What We Can Learn From a Dog
1. Never pass
up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Enjoy the experience of fresh air and wind in your face.
3. When a loved one comes home, always run to greet them.
4. Take naps and always stretch before rising.
5. Run, romp, and play daily.
6. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
7. Be loyal.
8. Never pretend to be something you are not.
9. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
10. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by,
and nuzzle them gently.
11. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
12.Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Before becoming the official mascot of Valley Animal Hospital, Whiskers was a barn cat at my father's dairy farm-OLD POAGE FARM. This is him in his previous life when he had to catch mice for a living--NOT!
Cat Bathing as A Martial Art
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey facemask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life!!!
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better!!!
DOGGY
DICTIONARY
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards: the person swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. (see also goosebump)
DEAFNESS: This is the malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread in the guestroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container that your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
GOOSEBUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with The Sniff. (see also sniff)
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "SIT!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa to wipe your whiskers clean.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is the dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
In order to perform a complete physical exam on Ruby, the tiger at Mill Mountain Zoo, she must be sedated. She's a nice critter, but she's not that cooperative.
These photos and the following article courtesy of The Roanoke Times
Date: Thursday, October 1, 1998 Section: NEIGHBORS Page: N3
By DIANE HOCKENBERRY THE ROANOKE TIMES
As Dr. James "Bill" Poage approached Ruby's holding pen at Roanoke's Mill Mountain Zoo, the Siberian tiger heaved her massive 375-pound frame to all fours to greet her oldest friend.
"She's the only animal up there that truly likes me," Poage said. "I've known her longer than anybody up there; keepers, head keepers and zoo directors have come and gone."
Poage and Ruby were first introduced on a crisp autumn day in 1988. Ruby had just been confiscated from a Danville man who was keeping her illegally when Poage, a veterinarian at Valley Animal Hospital in Northwest Roanoke, received a phone call he will never forget.
Poage is a frequent visitor at the zoo, for various reasons - to cut a pig's tusks, examine a gray fox who's lost its appetite or administer vaccinations. He has been the zoo's primary veterinarian for the past 18 years.
But when Poage answered the call to come give this tiger a checkup, his response was a disbelieving "Yeah, right!"
To his surprise, he found Ruby to be a playful, burnt orange and black-striped 180-pound young tiger who would quickly become one of his dearest friends. She nuzzled against Poage, responded to his voice and practically held out her paw for Poage to sedate her.
Though Poage resists sedating any animal because of potential health risks, he reluctantly sedated Ruby before bringing her into what would become her permanent home.
"She would have to walk past goats, pigs, sheep and other tasty morsels," Poage said, referring to some of the zoo's animals. "We didn't want her to experience the call of nature and eat one of the other exhibits."
Ruby is a youngster no more. Now a full-grown tiger, she is older, more in tune with her natural instincts and more predatory than 10 years ago. It's not uncommon to find her lurking among the tall brush as excited children jump around on the observation deck for a glance.
Zookeepers say she'll stalk them as they circle her exhibit - a practice that, if done in the wild, would precede the devouring of prey. Poage, 44, can no longer enter Ruby's cage the way he did that first time; her natural instincts can't be trusted.
On a visit to the zoo last week, Poage approached Ruby's holding pen to inject her with her annual vaccination against feline distemper. Ruby roused from her normal passive state to greet her old pal with welcoming, soft snorts called "chuffs."
But she's a smart cat. She has learned to keep her backside, the place where she usually receives the shot of Pepto-pink liquid, away from his view.
As Poage reached his hand inside the pen to touch her, something she rarely experiences, Beth Powell - the zoo's animal care supervisor - shuddered.
But Powell had no reason to fear for Poage's safety. The tiger and doctor have a history. It's common for Ruby to run up to Poage and roll on her back playfully when he calls her name in a tone that his wife, Denise, calls "sultry."
Poage's experience with other exotic animals at the zoo is less amicable. As Poage approached Boris, the snow leopard, he was greeted with growls and violent displays of fear and anger as the leopard resisted his medical attention. Poage calmly continued with his work, seemingly unaffected by the animal's tactics to scare him away.
"He doesn't get nervous or anything; he's a very even-keeled person," Denise Poage said. "He has the patience of Job."
On an average day, Poage wakes up, grabs a bagel or some healthy brand of cereal and jumps in his red Chevy truck with Tiger Paw tires and a license plate that reads "RUBYS DR," and heads for work with his wife. A portrait of Ruby hangs in his waiting room where Denise Poage works as a receptionist. A screen saver featuring the face of a friendly feline similar to Ruby's is on the computer in his office.
Poage treats a variety of animals including cats, dogs, reptiles, birds and rats. He does not treat poisonous creatures.
"I've seen a lot of pictures of what damage they can do," Poage said. Since they aren't his specialty, he has no qualms about his policy.
Poage said the worst injuries he's suffered on the job have come from domestic animals in the office. Animals such as dogs are less predictable when taken out of their normal surroundings, whereas exotic animals in captivity are more predictable when examined in their natural habitat, he said.
After work and on his days off, Poage and his wife can be found at his parents' dairy farm on U.S. 221. There, he works with his brother David, resuming some of his boyhood chores.
Now, as a veterinarian, Poage not only milks 70 cows, three at a time, but he also oversees all the animals' medical needs. He doesn't usually work on large animals, but makes an exception for his father.
Poage spends Sundays at home. Whether it's working in the woodcrafting workshop in his garage, landscaping, carving animals and scary faces into plump October pumpkins for display in his office or helping his wife care for their horses, Poage stays busy.
Clearly, Poage has managed to combine his affection for animals and his fascination with medicine. Scattered across Poage's office desk are pictures of his former patients. A tree kangaroo, tarantula, toucan, red panda and iguana eggs all lay within quick view of the animal lover.
But no picture is more prominently displayed than Ruby's.
Our clients are the best! Two of them made this veterinary stained glass for our lobby window. They do custom work also. See one of our nurses if you would like to be put in contact with them.
THE FOLLOWING BREEDS ARE NOW RECOGNIZED BY THE AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy
transport
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow,
a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter,
a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish
Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab
Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Tips for Cats Who Help Their Humans Cook
Don’t let your human’s attention be completely taken over by cooking. You can remain the center of attention despite their kitchen activities.
Tomato cores are actually new and wonderful cat toys. Tomato pulp tastes good, and it makes lovely designs on the kitchen floor.
The kitchen sink is a perfect observation point for supervising meal preparations, and you can entertain your human by batting at the vegetable peels as they get tossed your way.
When humans chop onions, sit where they can see you and make faces to show how mean they are to do that to you…you are guaranteed to get sympathy and a Pounce or other treats in an onion free zone.
Never paw a garlic press that has just been used – you will get stinky feet if you do.
Anything that gets dropped on the floor should be picked up and put in your water bowl. This ensures that your person will have to stop what she/he is doing to give you fresh water and be reminded of priorities…you.
Humans freak out if you try to get next to the warm pot simmering on the stove. It’s fun to head that way on the counter and watch them panic.
Be careful not to even look like you might touch a knife as this will probably get you sent to Kitty Jail.
Measuring spoons are easy to carry and are great for starting a game of hide and seek with your human. Especially good if you start the game about halfway through the dish your human is making.
Be sure to be on hand to add cat paw garnishes. A meal without cat hair is like a house without dustbunnies…it may look good, but that homey touch is missing.
Creation of the Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Whisker's Favorite link to a totally useless page
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